Author: Blue Horizon, Kugee, Anonymous
Completed: July 2, 2023
In a world where smartphones are considered the only real technological medium on the planet, the desktop side of things has become severely neglected software-wise, even though the hardware has considerably gotten more powerful and advanced. Microsoft acknowledges this, as they know that the PC software industry has been stagnating during when they only treated Windows 10 with incremental updates through new builds. Now that they've gone back to their old ways of releasing a new version every 3 or so years with Windows 11 (codenamed Nesquik), they're gearing up for next year with their new version - which is speculated to be aptly named "Windows 12".
The setup procedure and OOBE is much of the same as before, so I'm skipping that. The only real difference is that it checks for ACPI 6.5 as part of its new requirements, as the shut down and restart methods have been rewritten entirely for it.
Based on whether you have light or dark mode chosen, the lock screen will only display images that fit best with either those modes. It can also adapt to your color preference at will too. In my case, I like to have a gray gloomy color scheme on my desktop, and the lock screen background adjusts to it like so. For this review, I'll only show the default themes for purity sake.
The taskbar in Windows 12 sports a levitating design similar to recent versions of macOS, and expands and contracts when more or less icons are present at a time. This also applies to the system tray on the right. Should they both expand enough where they'll end up colliding, they'll simply merge together.
To commemorate the occasion, the channel bar makes its glorious return featuring updated links to various social outlets and Microsoft services while still retaining the original aspects of the channel bar. Custom links with graphics can also be added in easily, unlike the original.
Windows 12 is always internet powered no matter what. While all the system files and necessary instructions are still locally on-disk, it is of the utmost importance that an internet connection is present at all times for regular updates cause viruses scary and bad hard to avoid Gigabyte peep through webcam!!!
Here, a list of networks will be displayed and be sorted by quality of range. I happened to be in Orlando when taking this screenshot during testing, so there were many hotspots in near proximity. (This is how Florida actually works.)
Microsoft plans on switching to Windows 365 as the primary model for their flagship consumer/business version of Windows which only allows streaming through a video feed, meaning everything is tied to their servers and uses a proprietary CPU architechure on their end that only Microsoft has access to. This means that any attempt to clone the files over to somewhere else is futile as it won't be able to boot properly on typical x64 or ARM-based hardware.
Some changes have undergone with how activation is handled in unique copies of Windows. As Microsoft is out to stop activators and cracks from being used, they've added hard-coded and encrypted measures to ensure that it'll take longer for pirate groups to figure out how to crack it, if not stop them entirely with their future approach of online-only usage.
Besides combating piracy, the main draw for this changed system is that while product keys from previous versions still work, a subscription license is required to take advantage of certain features like personalization, and the prices vary depending on how many things you pay access for. These prices range from $21.99/mo for unlocking all base features, to $99 a year which includes exclusive access to Microsoft's very own "private" Discord server where people can vote on what features they want added in the next iteration of Windows 12 (version 25H2)!
Speaking of which, due to the underwhelming usage of Skype (version 8+) and Microsoft Teams, they've turned to yet another Chromium-based platform for their chatting needs, as well as the fact Discord has a larger user base of gamers who frequently use it for voice chatting and other multi-purpose needs. That's also why it has a prominent link in the new channel bar.
I've tested this build long enough to find that this licensing behavior functions as intended, and Windows politely asks to renew your license in Settings when your credit card has been depleted or canceled. Despite expectations, this message only appears at varying intervals. Sometimes it will only appear once or none a day, other times it will appear frequently, about 10-20 times a day.
SURPRISE! With the additional perks that come with subscribing for an activation license, you're also handed a special USB flash drive containing the essentials needed to transform Windows 12 into modernized flatass Windows XP with the Blissberry pack, complete with a redesigned Bliss background! This is also the only method of restoring the original taskbar placement and allowing the icons and start menu to be on the left side. Luna Blue is also selected as the appropriate color, alongside Silver and Olive Green variants. Since Apple is trying to capitalize on the photograph's location, Microsoft stepped in to remind them who really got there first. Too bad they won't acknowledge the vastly superior Royale theme. I'll provide a link to the full wallpaper here:
Alongside the Blissberry pack comes a modernized sound scheme that blends the old with the new, including a startup sound which blends the melody of XP's startup with the monotone melody of the new one:
win12_xp_start.wav
(This next part is written and drawn by Kugee)
One other feature included in the Blissberry pack is a modernized Windows Desktop Agent. Remember those characters, the wizard named Merlin, the parrot, and these other so-called assistants? Microsoft has gotten so infatuated with Clippit (or Clippy) lately if you've had the misfortune of seeing the tweets from Windows, but being a paperclip, Clippit is not suited as the forerunner for the Desktop Agent program due to a rising opposition to work, especially all the paperwork he represents. Kairu the Dolphin would've been awesome for that role, but Microsoft is eager to pretend that thing doesn't even exist.
So, to continue the trend of ripping off KDE, a new mascot was invented, Windy Traff! He is a very useful desktop assistant that can get all of your shit done using powerful new Microsoft Azure-based cloud AI techmology powered by datacenters rightfully occupying the ocean for more useful purposes! Less time for dumb manta rays being lazy on the sand and lousy migration routes, we've got clients to serve!!!
The Windows Desktop Agent always has something to sell, based on not only your browsing history, but also what the mandatory front-facing camera and microphone on your computer pick up with the Windows 11 requirements taking effect as of 2023. For example, if you're arguing with your spouse in the other room over which goods should be taking up space in such a small condominium, Windy will recommend you get a Ziploc Space Bag, and even provide a coupon exclusively through Microsoft Edge. Blissberry ice cream is also offered with a discount.
The files for Windy drops a secret biography in AppData/Local/Windy, which will also be provided:
windy_windows_dragon_bio.txt
There's lots of fun things Windy can do! He can randomly play annoying music while you're away from the computer, and he'll get really upset if you want to shut down the computer. If you try to disable as many telemetry functions as possible, one proposed feature of Windy is to smack your face with a critical stop sign attached to a metal post, but Microsoft has been having difficulty implementing this feature. The above depicts secretive concept art from the creator of Windy. What is possible, however, is that if you attempt to download an ISO of some Linux distribution, Windy will shoot lightning from his horns and crash your computer. "Whoops, I got a bit of a headache there! Heheh."
In the future, Windy strives to become a smart home assistant, finally fulfilling Microsoft's visions from the late 90's when Windows CE was still prominent.
(Continued by Blue Horizon)
Enough about desktop assistants, because Microsoft has done something that will send every one of their followers and the internet at large into a sporadic frenzy... the return of 3D Pinball Space Cadet!!!
That's right, after its deprecation in Windows Vista and remaining unseen for almost two decades, Maxis (now a division of EA) has painstakingly recreated the original table with higher resolution screens in mind that will deliver the familiar experience like no one has ever seen before! All the original sounds are now sourced in their raw uncompressed form, and the table's complete soundtrack from its Full Tilt! incarnation has been remastered for maximum auditory enjoyment. All the features of the full version like multi-ball Maelstroms are also present too, though this can optionally be switched back to the behaviour from the default Windows version if desired.
Another cool feature with this version is you can micropay for multiple balls on the table at once (rather than just 3 at a time in the original), costing just 99 cents per ball, or waiting every six hours to get three balls for free. The timer only resets when you use those balls, so unless you have deep pockets, it's advised to use them sparingly.
With some sketchy hacking tools, I was able to rip the full table graphic right from video card memory and make it into a transparent PNG image. Now you can witness the table in all of its glory:
Pinball_SpaceCadet_Flatass.png
And this is the main menu for just one of the tables shown, as the other two that are also from Full Tilt! are prominently featured at the top. Additionally, scoring 50 million points on each available table will unlock access to the tables that are locked directly below them, which have been brought over from the often overlooked sequel; Full Tilt! 2.
Daily challenges and special events will ensure replayability for hours of enjoyment, just as long as an internet connection is present. Even if you somehow bypass Windows 12's always-online security theater, this game also comes with online DRM making it mandatory for one to have high bandwidth speeds. Oh yeah, at some point in the future, this game can only be played through a video feed, almost forgot to mention that.
The "Ball Club" is a new addition to not only this remaster, but for pinball games at large. You can compete with others online to achieve the highest score on the leaderboards, and even partake in multi-screen sessions over the internet where the last player remaining wins and is then offered a personalized plaque from Microsoft if they top the leaderboards and is the last ball standing in the hardest multi-screen battle mode, which would be 95 players at once.
Microsoft aims to market this remaster by tying with a classic Sesame Street short as it also features a number that fits accordingly with the operating system's name. It'll also have Space Cadet sounds plastered over it.
During free time on Microsoft Itch, it's a given that YouTube would be one of the first sites people go to daily. The landscape for YouTube has changed quite a bit recently: videos without custom thumbnails are now automatically generated for them so that it won't look out of place with the videos being posted today. For example, the "Me at the zoo" thumbnail will take a piece of dialogue as the main topic and put that front and center, as well as displaying other information such as historical facts and location data.
Bowel movement is an often overlooked portion of one's health and longevity, so channels relating to excrement are starting to pop up on the front page more often to entice brown removal on Wood Grain Antique for maximum restroom experience . Doo the Do Do doing that while watching Will Gates Third making funny dance launching product. while they itch slap DUM B B ASS idiot bsod binging to vapor wave!! window 95 still sitting on older Vintage potty after consumbing so much Blissaberry SLAP AX PEE SLAP AX PEE SLAP AX PEE since holding it in can be unhealthy.
Naturally, when attempting to uninstall any default applications like Itch or the operating system itself - provided it was an in-place upgrade from Windows 11, Windy will step in lying on his belly pleading the user to give Windows 12 another chance, aptly blocking where the "Go back to previous build" button would be. Attempting to circumvent this by using the keyboard to select the button instead will result in him fiddling around with the background processes responsible for the downgrade procedure and shoot lasers from his eyes at the uninstall dialogue burning it to a crisp. He then pants for a while before saying, "You should be careful, some of your programs might not work correctly with your older copy of Windows!". Other times, this same pleading animation means he's bored and wants to discuss memories about Windows XP or play some pre-installed games (third-party games don't sit right with him).
Since Windows Vista, shutting down, standing by, or restarting a machine was mostly done exclusively through the Start menu with one or two clicks. Alternatively, pressing Alt + F4 on the desktop would bring up a legacy prompt with a drop-down list akin to legacy releases such as Windows 2000 or server clients of Windows. This is still the case with Windows 12 through the usual Start menu, but pressing Alt + F4 on the desktop now brings up a reworked and simpler dialog that turns the background to grayscale, similar to another aforementioned system. This dialog can also be manually enabled for use with the Start menu via Settings.
An employee whom I know sent me this concept image of an unused mode testing how windows would work on circular or spherical OLED displays, dated over a year prior to this build I've been taking screenshots of. The idea came about during a brainstorming meeting with John Romero about having a pizza button in the Explorer toolbar which would turn windows rounded and notify you of your delivery (which would be paid either in advance or at the door). This idea got scrapped, though the button remained in several preview builds for a different purpose.
Microsoft has clearly made a lot of efforts so that Windows 12 can look forward while still retaining a footprint of the past that many of its users cling towards. As part of this review, just for reading it, you're getting a free box of blue pepperoni cheese pizza delivered right to your doorstep thanks to a partnership between Microsoft and John Romero! And it'll also come with an invitation link coupon (limited up to 5 uses) for Microsoft's private Discord server where you can chat with the guy behind the fabled pizza recipe! Remember; it's not delivery, it's John Romero.
